Despite the heading, I don't mean it in a lonely way.

I like being alone, I also like meeting up with friends and seeing other people. Sometimes spending time with myself is as much important as spending time with other human being.

What I feel is that there's a difference between spending time alone with myself in my own space, my home, my room whatever. It's different than going outside- alone. I'm sure other people also get this feelings, most people I know in my life don't like being alone outside, some hate it and don't even want to try.

I understand them, there's a lot of factor to be afraid. The most obvious one is danger, there's no one really looking out for you. I was always taught to don't travel alone! especially after dark, beware of everything, don't wear flashy clothes, and all the stuff that comes with being born female. The concern is reasonable, I mean.. it's obvious I can't just change something wrong about the current society or change how horrible some people are, the most I- we can do right now sometimes is just try our best to protect yourself against it, despite how much I loathed having to protected myself and being restricted against something that's not my fault at all, I accept how it is.

Another thing I've heard is the embarrassment which I think is weird but also not(?) I'm quite sure it's true that you'll get more looks being alone more than going with friends or in group (unless your group is consist of an unusual amount of people I guess), and oh boy, I've got a long story about this topic.

When I was in a boarding school (this is the topic I've brought up so often, you might get sick of it already, but in the short life I've lived, it's the place that I was in in the year that shaped who I am the most), there's a rule that you can't walk alone. Sounds incredibly bizarre, but it is taken quite seriously. That school has (or had?) a bunch of weird rules which is quite interesting, I can make another blog post dedicated to them all seperately even. One of the rules is this one.

You can't walk alone, you must only walk in pair, or a trio only. Four people or more is unacceptable. (well at that point you can split into two pairs anyway.) Even just going to the fucking toilet, you have to bring your partner there (that's what they call the person you walk with, which I think is funny as hell. Partner. Walk partner. Oh god.)

And when I was in that school, they (the 'seniors') tried to give me the reasons for this rule (they actually tried to explain everything but it's impossible since most of them is just weird seniority nonsense). The reason is the walk way is very narrow, there's not a lot of space to walk more than two people, which is true! The walk way can only walk with at most - three people at the time, and counting having to walking past other people from different direction, three people is already a bit of a struggle. Makes sense right? well, not really, back to the first sentence, “you can't walk alone”. Why the fuck not? If the reason is narrow walk way, walking alone is even better isn't it? The answer I got that time was just.. “You will get weird looks.”

I think it's so ridiculous, even now. There's this stigmata that if you walk alone you are a no-friend person, in Thai you'll get called “ไม่มีคนคบ” which is ouch, pretty harsh, it mean no one want to be friend with you. Maybe the person that wrote the rules are trying to help, whatever their intention is, maybe they're trying to make us aware of the social norms that we were living in. I think that made it worse, after having a written rule, the people who did not want to follow it will only getting ridiculed further. Looking back it's the most dystopian thing I've ever witness.

That was obviously taken to the extreme, it's an enclose society with only students, insanely bored students, as we weren't allow electronics as you know. I'm not sure about how the outside world is, my life experience is not the greatest y'know. I've been out of that school for exactly one year and four months, I don't know much about how other society function myself. At my new school, it's so much better as far as I know, I can now walk alone without having the feeling that I'm doing something wrong.

But that knowledge is already deeply rooted inside my head, the perception that there's something wrong with me if I'm not going outside with friends. I think people in my circle also have this thought, a bit, maybe not to my extreme but there's definitely an association between going outside alone and having no friend. This can be another reason why some don't like going outside by themself.

Or maybe it's nothing complicated, they just don't enjoy spending time with themself. Maybe they do inside their safe space, their room, the place they're accustomed to, a public space is obviously different.

I have always been liking the idea of going outside, traveling, having fun, alone though. Probably because I have that fear, the stigmata I've already mentioned ingrained inside my head. More and more I found myself spending my time alone, and enjoying it, getting more comfortable to do it as well.

I went to karaoke alone more than four times. It's the most fun I've ever had, I'm already a sucker for karaoke, if there's anyone wanting to karaoke I'm there, but when I want to and no friend wants to I just go alone, and it's just.. so free. I like knowing that if I want to do something, I can, I don't have to wait for other people to do it.

I went to concert alone. I don't have many friends with the same music taste, and when they do, they can't make it. I went there by myself, enjoying the music and the environment, by myself.

Obviously, I don't have a lot of friends, let alone friends that I'm close enough to hang out with. I can count them with one hand and still have fingers left. Sometimes it's just impossible to do something I want right now also waiting for my friends. I don't really feel like I'm lonely. I talk with very few people, I know very few people, but I don't feel like I'm lonely at all, not anymore.

There's also something impossible to do with other people, sometimes I just want to sit alone in silence in public staring out. Call me weird, I like soaking in other people's presence, like to just feel that there's something going on around me, like to feel like I'm a part of the world. It feels so awesome and in a very specific emotional state can makes me feel tremendously better.

Going outside alone, I'll describe the feeling as 'free'. I like to feel like I'm free, that I can control where I'm at, what I decide to do and what I see.

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12th March

I wrote this blog's draft inside Notion (welp, here I am again trying out new 'productivity' program / software, get motivated for two weeks then lost all motivation, but whatever man.) and It had been sitting in the gutter for like two weeks, totally forgot I wrote it. This place has become a ghost town due to the usual culprit, school (ugh). I had so many ideas for this website but every single times I got home I fell asleep right away and on holidays I woke up at 4pm.

I need to code something I feel like, but frontend doesn't really interest me that much. Writing blogs is my favorite things to do ever despite how quite horrible I am at it. I want to be like one of those ' sorry english isn't my first language' ao3 author so bad but I'm absolutely sure I write like a sixth grader (cryin) genuinely how do I improve, I failed so hard at grammar and despite knowing a lot of vocabs I just don't know how to use them in writing? Like if you show me the words I'd know the meanings, but I won't think to use it in my writing.

Don't worry though I'll keep writing these horrible uninformative blogs anyway because I feel good writing them.

Here to yap

I'm totally addicted to idle games??? I stumbled upon the r/incremental_games subreddit and just- I've spent all of my times playing them nonstop. Like every hour I have to check on the profit I made.

My best experience with an idle game is Melvor Idle, which I have yet to 100% because I'm stuck on Into The Mist dungeon which can't be idle (ugh) but that's another thing. The thing is I want something new to play, so I downloaded a bunch of them on my phone to tried it out. Why phone? well I tried out a lot of idle games on desktop and they're usually better obviously but I want to play it while I'm in the toilet (lmao)

Another reason is my laptop SUCKS, it literally can't run anything especially 3d graphics. Just playing Cookie Clicker ffs and its already sounds like burning up even with the lowest settings. Games on Itch.io are also incredibly awesome I've been playing a lot of them too. The thing about this post is I play idle games (or you can call it 'incremental games' to look cooler) on my phone and I feel like I have no life so I need to expressed it.

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Here's my reviews of some I've tried out, they're all free games on IOS because I'm broke.

Idle Apocalypse - I've never seen an idle games in this style before which is interesting, the game progression is very nice too - I'm always a sucker for an idle game that has an inventory I guess, you manage a system that one items makes another and you use them to get new things / upgrade etc. There's also a nice balance of decision making and idling which I like.

Idle Mastermind - The concept is really unique, you play as an villain mastermind - building your lair and robbing the city. I'm not a big fan of the mechanic, I feels like there's not a lot to do and getting new upgrades and things doesn't feel that rewarding, or I just doesn't get how the game works I'm not sure.

Tap Titans - I've seen the review that say this game is like a Clicker Heroes clone 'but better' which I'm not exactly sure about, maybe I haven't delve that far into the game yet but after I'd say ~2 hrs of this game (idling time not included) I already feels bored. Repetitive is a big part of idle game I know I know, but I already feels like I get to know this game enough to move on, even though there might be new mechanics waiting to be introduced later on.

Home Quest - Now this one I'm a bit invested about, it got simple clean UI and not much fancy graphics. I got a bit confused about how to play at the start but they really did a good job organizing / teaching new mechanics so they don't feel overwhelming. Pretty cool game! Unique and have a lot to click on (I always love that) Must less to say, I'm addicted to this game!!

Necromerger - from the same studio as Idle Apocalypse and Idle Mastermind. The game is beautiful!! Merging game is right up my alley and I like having lots of choices. The merging monster you got you can decide to merge them further - or feed it to the 'devouror' to then upgraded the game. I don't think it's that complicated or have insane depth but it's fun, and that's all I care about really.

Leaf Blower Revolution - I've heard a lot of people praising this game, and after playing it, they're well deserved. This game is really cool, zero ads I think. Feels more like the most typical idle game out of all that I've played this week. It scratches the number go up itch in my brain and just blowing leaves around it already fun. LOOOVE it

Out of all the 6 I downloaded, I like Home Quest and Necromerger the most, although I still play all of them since they're all fun. One thing I know is I need to do something productive and stop playing these games all day. They're too addictive!!

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This is all. Short useless blog I wrote to express how addicted to idle games I am.

Another pain in growing up.

I went on a three days trip with my dad, to Huahin, and to Samut Songkhram.

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12th March

First day arriving at Huahin, went to some seafood restaurant. The food was genuinely sad, as someone who's not picky when it's any of my favorite dish, and I love everything salty. Everything from this place got me bleeding out of my eyes worrying I'm gonna have to cut off my kidney. NOT COOL.

Then my dad and I went to check out the hotel we're staying at, it's a budget hotel so it's not fancy, but honestly it's a lot better than I expected. The place was clean, not small and their ac is very cold ya.

We sat at the cafe around the beach for like an hour until the sun goes down. Then I was craving to dig some sand so I just went like. dig a hole?? honestly I have no idea what was I doing I don't even have tools.

I just start like fucking dig with my hands. Then sandals. Then necklace. I need to do anything to make me feel like I'm alive.

But it doesn't really matter. I still feel out of place. I still feel like I'm not. alive? I want to feel like my life is real, I want to feel like my existence matter. I want to feel like I'm a part of this world.

Midnight market, it's weird because all I can see is white people and the lack of locals (I mean- I only saw them selling things, not actually buying stuff from here.), overpriced items and food. Just pretty odd. There's nothing much. They're selling all kind of cool souvenir stuff, there's clothes and other things as well. They're actually cool. I took some pictures but it'll likely take me a few days to uploading it.

What me and my dad take notices of is how quiet Huahin is.. few years back Huahin used to be a go to vacation place for my family and there's always a bunch of people in the Summer. Is March Summer yet? No Idea because Thailand is always too dang hot it doesn't even matter if it's Summer or not. Just sad to see. Not to mention a bunch of empty advertisement billboard, seeing all of our favorite cafes and places shut down due to lack of tourist.

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13th March

After getting ready we went to eat some breakfast at 'The Baguette' where they sell um. baguette. but they actually have all kind of bread too. I'm not really hungry so I just had garlic bread (made from a baguette) and a corn soup.

It's time to left Huahin, we started heading to Samut Songkhram, stop at another cool restaurant with awesome waterfall!!!

Later at The Bang Kung temple which has a history of being a Taksin The Great camp. Pretty cool, there's his statue and like a hundred of full-sized soldier statues. This temple is iconic for the fact that their temple is literally fused into the tree, it's insanely cool actually but I missed the opportunity to takes lot of picture of it because of how hot is it, hot weather made everything sucks I hate it.

What got me interested is when we were about to leave, I noticed a bunch of dressing table around one shrine which is a shrine for 'Monthatip' lady which has a very bizarre supernatural history (the links is in Thai since I can't find any links in English :( )

Finally we went back to the hotel just to lay stupidly next to the river until it's late.

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14th March

I woke up at around 5am to offer foods to the monk, he rows in his boat to collect foods(?) from house to house in the river. Kinda cool, I'm slrrpy as shit though so I don't remember much.

The trip kind of end here, I was feeling sick so my dad drove us home. I'm kinda sad I feel like the trip wasn't as fun as it should be because of me. I don't talk much and just there's not much going on there. I still feel good about it though.

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Often time in that trip I thought about how my younger self would react or what to say. I tried to think about what to say to make my dad happy. It's not really about my dad, I always do that with everyone, I just feel like I did it so much more this time. I feel like I'm the person who ruined everyone's mood, and this time my dad's.

There's this weird feelings lingering all three days, the feeling that I knew I wasn't a little kid anymore. The last time I gone on a trip with my family is so long ago, let alone my dad. There's just a feeling that I've.. changed. My dad is the same, my family is the same. I just changed, and the worst thing to realized is I may have changed for the worst.

24 February 2024 - Thoughts

I never feel like I'm a part of something. My friends always talk about something I don't understand, or they just don't let me to understand. It's so common in my life to heard something like "You shouldn't know" so often and it's always in a joking tone but it always makes me feel bad. I shouldn't know? How will I be deserving to know? What should I do? I walk with friends but I never feel like I have one.

I feel like I can't stop to tie my shoes without getting left out. I feel like if I stop walking they'll just keep walking and forget about me. I feel like I have to tried so fucking hard to have friends, to make them care. When I see my friends care about each other without much condition I always wonder what did I do wrong that made it goes this way. Why do they don't care about me like they care their friends?

Never a good person. I'm not as good of a person. I'm selfish and only care about myself. Maybe I don't deserve any of it. friends. companies. but I yearn for the feeling of being loved. of being cared about.

19 February 2024 - Diary

There's a lot of things I don't deserve.

This is my problem. I always feel like if something nice happens to me, I'm unworthy of it and I need to try to compensate those things by doing something good, I feel like I need to act super grateful for all of those.

Sounds like a good thing? No, not really. The thing is, I never did anything good to compensate the unworthy things I got. I never feel like I act 'grateful' enough for all the thing I got. The result is all I feel is guilt and burden why do I receive those things.

Never getting anything I want is the default. I'm used to it that way.

Today is a normal day. Nothing truly special happened, I present the project I had worked my ass off for 5 weeks straight. It came out fine I think, the teacher told my group that we presented it perfectly, and that's more than enough. I do feel like the teacher see our project better than how it actually is, but I worked hard on it and I feel quite proud of the compliment.

Now this part is gonna sound yucky, basically one of the teacher walked up to me and told me my hair looks cool and asked about my personal style and stuff. There's no fucking way the teacher found my hair cool. I'm not worthy of compliments and I know it, it's awkward when he told me infront of a bunch of my friends, now they probably gonna hate me as they feel like what happened was bullshit.

Another young guy came up to m e earlier also asked for my Instagram, the guy is probably somewhere around 15 - 17 age range, and I'm hung on the need to be grateful so much when some stranger guy asked me for my Instagram I immediately gave him my username not thinking that maybe giving out your username to a random stranger isn't exactly a good thing.

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Update from 24.02.24 before posting this

There's one thing that has always been on my mind. Can't remember how, but one of my old friend told me what's wrong with me is my ego, how mine is too high and I believe in myself too much. It was more than three years ago. She probably never going to know but that comment changed who I am. I don't believe in myself because whenever I do I will come off as egotistic.

But I do believe she's right. Being a bit egotistical is a part of who I am, I prided myself a little too much sometimes and whenever I feel comfortable I let myself be a little more egotistic than good.

All in all. That's my problem. I wrote this thing, read it back three days later and realized I wrote all of it with a constant need of being "non-egotistic" because whenever I get compliment I have to show it in some way that I'm not self-indulging in those compliments!!

It's a very weird trait I have and made me feelll. ugh. Another bad trait add to the list.

Clown Face

I just ordered a white face paint. I had wanted them since I was a 13yo makeup newbie that wanted to do full trad goth makeup really really bad. Obviously I never got the chance to because I was too afraid going outside wearing one so I thought it's gonna be a waste if I bought it. Now it has come full circle and I'm here to finished their dream.

The trad goth look isn't what exactly what I wanted to do with them though, sure I will do some trad goth look eventually some day, but what's on my mind lately is the vkei look? Is that what it's called?

Not exactly vkei but I have something in mind which I feel like it's tiring to tried label every single thing or categotize all of it, things can be different and they don't all need a name!

I just wanted to experiment and do things in my own style to be honest. Through other people's eyes (aka my friends and people at school) they think I'm so uniqueee and have such a sense of style but to be honest my style right now just looks like a copy paste emo #3024 and I'm sick of trying to fit into one subculture.

That's always my problem. I don't exactly tried to find my own sense of style? I just tried to find what already existing style I like and copied it head to toes. I do feel like a lot of people these day can relate to this too, the need to fit into one 'aesthetic'.

I struggled with finding my style soo much, like they say, style is constantly evolving but I lack sense of self I don't even know if it's evolving or changing completely.

I'd say I'd had a 'goth phase' and I tried so hard to fit into the aesthetic, I still do enjoy the music but I just remembered only wearing / buying 'goth' things and now I realized how bad it is. I did not wore every specific items because I genuinely like it but to 'look the part', like I have to go full goth with the hair makeup and outfits, no other subculture elements!! . Which is.. silly of me? Why did I do that?

welp.. to this sentence I realized I have gone too far off the topic and it isn't really related to white face paint anymore. Let's just say that, I bought a new makeup without thinking what exact culture I will tried to fit into this time and instead thinking of how I will do it to my own unique liking.

Of course it's perfectly fine to fit into one aesthetic, or having a personal style be an existing one, because at the end it all comes down to what makes you feel good right? I'm just saying that trying to look like the stereotype of one subculture after another isn't good for me and I'm excited to tried out new things.

For some god damn reason I'm sick again! I swear to god I just got better not even for a week and the flu caught me again. I'm also 100% sure it's because of the PM2.5 that made the air in Bangkok yellow fuzz right now, and I go to school every day in the middle of the city to inhale all the beautiful dust!! haha fitting name?! no it's not funny at all I'm sick and want this to stop!!!

Shame on me for having the worst immune system ever I got sick from everything and my throat can't survive a week without developing some new coughing issues, so today I'm absent from school to protect everyone's safety. Also to protect myself because I can't go 5 minutes without coughing or sneezing!! *COUGH* Ah see!? I just cough again!!!!

Despite all the works and tests and projects that are piling up on me I found myself just doing stuff on this website because it's fun, and I realize the biggest problem why I feel like this website isn't presentable at all. You probably notice but I know NOTHING about color. I don't understand it and I don't get how it works.

Obviously I watched all the 'color theory' videos on Youtube and I kind of do understand it? Like opposite colors, and all the fancy colors that compliment each other. What I don't understand is how do I apply them and put them to use. I saw a color palette of five colors and just have no idea where to put what color, resulting in a mess.

I need to rework the color of this website ASAP the colors and aesthetic right now is hurting my brain because of how ugly it looks. The dark red and dark blue combo needs to be GONEEEE

Sweet Sixteen

My birthday has passed. I'm not gonna be specific but it's been a few days. I intended to write something on my birthday but that day I was too tired and fell asleep.. no longer 15 ay? 15 is such a weird age I feel.

I feel like media glorifies 14 a lot.. like how it's the year you does embarrassing things, be cringe whatever, and it's when you tried to figure yourself out right? but no one really talks about being 15.

ok so listen... I've always heard songs about 'sweet sixteen' and they all sounds fuckin creepy especially the old one. I know they're a product of their time but whatever man.. still sucks. And most of that play the part in why 16 sounds like such a serious age.. it's an age where men started to sexualise girls with little to no shame, in some country that even is the age of consent which is sickening.

15 is somewhere between that. Still a kid but not exactly, don't want to sound like an old man but kids these day actually grow up so fucking fast, too fast I think. and it's not a good thing. I'd say I may contribute to the problem even though I think I look 15, just wore heavy makeup. What happened is I really compare myself with people the same age and think why am I not as pretty / cool as them?

This is what I look like at 15. Yep. Below are some of the picture.. I don't know.. I think I also got succumb into the internet world where every famous teen on there look like a god damn celebrity so I tried so hard to look as good as them, I know I never will be so nothing truly makes me really happy.

I'm glad the 'awkward' age range (13-15) is over but at the same time I don't wanna grow up..

I really gonna sound like a loser if I said this but.. I'm one of the insecure people that got influenced by the internet, whenever I found a cool person I tried to found their picture when they're the same age as me, and when those people usually 'glowup' was like 15 / 16, so 14 years old me think 'yeah I just need to wait a few years and I'm gonna look as cool as them' (spoiler : I did not)

And the stupid #07 #08 #09 (there's also #10) is starting to really get to me (if you didn't know what I'm talking about- great job, it's a thing where 200X kids post their thirst trap with their birth year to show how 'good looking at young age' they are I guess) and I usually didn't care but when I see A LOT of people younger than me look so much more pretty than myself I can't help but compare TT It's a bad habit but ohh goddd I can't help it why am I not as good as them when we have been on earth as long as each other??? How is that possible. It's NOT FAIR.

16 is also the age I lied about being on the internet when I was like 10.

I feel like 16 is the age where people aren't gonna excuse you for things anymore??? Like when you found out someone said a really stupid thing and you clicked on their profile, if they're like 14 you just goes 'oh obviously this person is just a dumb 14 years old kid' but if you clicked and saw that they're 16 you'll still think 'yeah this person is actually dumb' I can't explain it but the vibes are different :( like people aren't gonna excuse your stupid shit with your age anymore.

Also, the insult 'are you 13 / 14' are gonna start to hurttt. If someone said that to me when I was that age obviously I'm not gonna feel anything, like yeah I'm immature I'm actually 13, but now it's an actual insult, kind of funny now that I think about it.

It seemed so far away back then, and I thought 16 is a super fun age where you get to be as crazy as you want but still a fun teen, I still feel like I'm 10. Fun teenage years probably won't happen if I'm still the same (get back from school as quick as possible, don't talk to anyone, spend all my free times doomscrolling and talking to myself)

I hope this year is a good year.. I definitely will spend the majority of 16 stressing and worrying about getting into university, probably don't have a lot of free time on my hands but I will find a time to do things on this website for sure because I'm a master procrastinator.

Participating in things I don't want to

disclaimer : this is more of a rant / diary entries, no spelling check yet.

Today is the 'final orientation' day for seniors, and I don't know how other countries work but in Thailand, highschool starts at 10th grade (where I am right now) and we get a student mentor (it's not a choice thing - everyone have to participate in this stuff) that will take care of us and all. It's function similar to fraternity brother / sister I assumed. You have one big, and that big have other big in a line- so it's like a family. In here we call it 'code family' something along those line (because it was pick in secret and you have to 'decipher the code' to found out who your big is- you get the gist)

And here is how it goes. I have one junior year code brother, and two senior years. I'm not close to any of them. I went to dinner with them (and other people in my family who are now in uni) once when it was revealed who my 'code family' is. They all seem so close and joked to each other and it feels like they talk to each other often. All I could think about is how I stick out like a sore thumb. When it was the 'take care' and gift stuff in secret phase I already didn't talk to them that much- yeah it was my own problem. I'm sure everyone in the 'family' is nice and kind but I'm the problem, my old school seniority is such a big deal and it made me so paranoid about interacting with any people older than me- even if it's like one year.

Not only that, just basic social enxiety and how I'm sooo socially awkward play a big part in me not close to any of them. When I have to write all the goodbye good luck 'our memory together' it made me feel pretty bad, because I never got to talk with any of them again after that dinner which was like 6 months ago.

I saw other people being close to their brother / sister, bring them gifts and I feel sorry for mine. They never texted me after that so I assumed that they don't really want to talk to me which is probably true, so I'm too afraid to text them first because I don't want to annoy them. If this thing isn't mandatory I wouldn't participate, because I know I'm not gonna be a good / fun sibling to them, but I have to participate and now I'm stuck in these connection I don't want to.

The teacher told us to arrive at school at 2pm - the event actually start at 5. I'm so pissed about that, because there's nothing for us to do either, just sitting around and waiting in boredom. I ate one meal and didn't bring a water bottle, because I believe the event started at 2pm, it'll quickly be over and I will get to go home.

No gifts in hand- yesterday my junior year brother dmed me on Instagram and asked me to help share the cost buying one of the senior gift (I don't even know who it's for - I really am that far from them). I helped share the cost and that's it. I didn't brought any flowers bouquet like my classmates, the shared gift is already costly to me and I just- don't want to spend money on gifts I know I only bought for connection or under pressure.

After the event, I gave both of them the letter (the junior prepared them, inside there will be small paper for anyone to write messages to them, I drew both of them a small doodles with the word 'GOOD LUCK' - yes giving my seniors the letter is mandatory). They asked me to go down to first floor and took pictures with them, but everyone is jam packed into one places, they have some friends to talk to before heading downstairs and I lost them? I went to the place where they told me to meet them and didn't find them. The teacher started to evacuate everyone outside because it was getting dark. I got outside and what I did is- I bailed. I want to cry. I feel horrible. I hate how I am like this, so weak, so ungrateful, and overall a horrible person. My junior brother send me a message they're waiting for me infront of the school but I was already at the bus stop. I made up an excuse and told them how I had to left earlier. I hated this.

There's no moral of the story or anything. Try not to be like me I guess.

Seriously this is sickening

Instagram is everything. At least in my country it is. Basically when people want to ask for your contacts, they ask for your Instagram, and I as an insecure kind of private person usually don't have any post on it?

And I look kind of cool, like dead serious. In real life I kind of look very cool, the evidence is there are people walked up to me and tell me so, and after that what they do is ask for my Instagram. I'm always like super happy but also kind of feel bad because I didn't have any post on my Instagram and I basically not play it so the chances that after meeting other cool people, I became friends with them is abysmally small since they saw that 'oh this person doesn't post anything on Instagram they isn't that cool'

Obviously I'm overthinking and I don't have to show off my 'cool life' on Instagram to be cool, but I kind of also want to show off? but can't? Queue the next problem..

My life is pretty boring. Yeah.

and I'm the type of people that don't want to post anything unless it feels like- best thing ever perfect post that kind of thing.

I can't help it but be jealous of all the cool and pretty people on Instagram, and feel the pressure to post something only when it's as cool as them even though I don't have a big follower?

I'm trying to change that though, I'll try posting more and being less worry about things that won't matter. I want to record my life somewhere, maybe not on Instagram but I want to share what did I do today, outfit, what I ate. I just want to be able to look back at these things.

Every single dream I had last year played from the same place.

A few months ago I started to write down my dreams. Dreams aren't an important thing in my life like.. at all. I don't care about what I dreamed, I usually won't remember them anyway. I also rarely dream- usually once in four or five months, but these past few months there's something weird going on. I dreamed a liiitttle more often, noticed a pattern and it's interesting how all my dreams played out.

I almost never had a nightmare in these last years, most of my dream are just.. bizarre? I don't feel exactly happy, it just left me feeling weird and confused. Every single dream isn't the same, all the feelings and what happened. The only constant thing I noticed is, they usually involve people I know in real life, from specifically one place. My old school.

In middle school, I went to a boarding school, and it's hell on earth for me. That place shaped most of who I am, but these days I don't really think about it that much anymore. Almost a year since I switched school and life changed drastically (That's a blog for later).

So it's confusing to me why I dreamed about waking up on a bunk bed in my old school. It's confusing to me why in the dreams I'm in a classroom with all the people I knew I hated- all the people I knew I never wanted to see ever again in my life if possible. It's not normal because in one of my very few dreams the entire school was there- every single students I've ever looked at. It's terrifying, the dream never was bad but the place and the people are what made it my nightmare.

Maybe, just maybe. I missed it? I basically spent more than half of my life there (12 years *cough*) so maybe I'm just attached? I'm much happier now knowing I don't have to be there anymore.. or at least that's what I told myself. I don't know and I don't think I will ever find out the answer. Why can't it be a cool awesome place I'm attached to? Magical river? Floating island?

Another funny thing I suddenly remembered. I never dream when I slept in that bed, that's where most of my "dream-hole" (like a black hole- you know what I mean) went. Is it just trying to repay me back? From robbing dreams away from me back in there? I listened to music to sleep every single night and I'm always excited about going to sleep at 9pm because sleeping and waiting for tomorrow is the best thing I can do back in there. It's the only time of the day where I feel- comfortable. Yes it's a bunk bed, yes the bed's not a nice thing to sleep in, but nothing is better than knowing the sooner I sleep, the quicker tomorrow will came, the quicker I will get out. So every single night I valued the sleep time more than anything, I always run into the bed zone quicker than anyone- gripping my iPod tightly and laying peacefully in bed until everyone came in and the teacher turned off the lights.

Now what?, It's insane. I'm back home but I don't even feel like there's a want to sleep. I don't want time to move forward- and I want every single minutes of the day to be 'used' and I just don't try to sleep until my body physically can't handle it anymore and knock itself out.

SO are the dreams the results of not falling asleep deep enough? The content of it I obviously have no idea, but the fact that I've dream a bit more this is probably it.

There's a blog page now!!!

Yep I finally beaten the procrastination wolf inside of me and brought myself together to create this blog page. Honestly I feel like I'm so terrible at picking a theme / keeping the style consistent because every week I have a cool new layout idea and I go 'yeah let's change my index to that' so nothing is progressing I just keep changing things.

Also, I'm very conflicted about how I want this web to functions, right now when clicking the nav it just change the link in the iframe so everytime I reload the page it will go back to home you know? I think it's cooler to have like the link to change into ^{ridvenge.neocities.org/blog} when you click the nav, but that means I have to create more files. Also I think it's nicer this way because there's no need to load new page every time, I don't know.